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Hypochondria as a legitimate hobby

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  • Thanks, all yíall!

    A misunderstanding on my part - yesterday was ďmeet the team that will be taking you through chemoĒ appointment. Scheduled more tests and scans, met doctor and nurses, more bloodwork, learned about chemo I will be undergoing, a binder full of cancer info. Took all afternoon.
    Then an excellent dinner at my nieceís. A good nights sleep - - think Iím finally beating this cold.

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    • Take care, Res! <3
      Itís just really honestly so tiring and emotionally draining to have to get upset over reality constantly.

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      • Res - good luck, and take care. I hope the treatment is successful and as easy as it can be. Keep in touch; we will be worrying.

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        • Well.

          My mom flew out to visit us. Then told me today that she has a very aggressive stage IV cancer that has already spread to her bones and she might have 4 or so months to live. I am not handling this well? I don't know why I said that as a question?

          She's not going to do any treatments or surgeries. She hasn't told anyone else in the family yet. She wasn't even going to tell me or anyone at all until it was time to go into hospice, but she isn't the most subtle person and I kinda guessed so now I'm trying to convince her that she has to tell my brothers and my dad because it's unfair not to. And it would be really unfair for me to be the only person walking around with that kinda secret for months and I just can't do it.

          I think she is going to let me tell my dad . . . their divorce (over 50 yrs married! since they were nineteen!) just became final recently and oh boy, I guess that was all a big fat waste of time and money. They don't communicate much and she doesn't think she can have that conversation so I said i would but I don't know how? I don't know how to do anything?

          The worst right now is that she doesn't want my kids to know so I'm existing in this weird nightmare world of cognitive dissonance. My kids are both like "yay nana's here!" and everyone is being all smiley and there's nowhere I can go to just fucking cry my eyes out and I really need to so I'm telling y'all because I can't tell anyone else.


          The same exact super aggressive cancer in the abdominal area killed my aunt a couple of years ago so i assume it's the kind that will eventually take me down too.

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          • Oh my God, o. I donít know what else to say except Iím so, so sorry and please keep telling us everything or anything if it makes you feel even a smidge better.

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            • Ugh, ophy, I'm so sorry! Please use us as your emotional garbage whenever you need!

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              • Ophy - oh my god. I am so sorry to hear this.

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                • O, I join everyone else in saying you can emotion at us whenever you want about this. Itís scary and so hard to deal with and nobody tells you how to do it. I hope your mom has people near her who can help her.

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                  • O, oh my God. I'm so sorry!
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                    • I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH.


                      She flies home in the morning, and has agreed to tell my brothers and to let me tell dad on Thursday. They are running one more test on Wednesday that she will have the results for in 2 wks, and says I can tell the kids then. She's 72 and totally at peace with this, but I just feel like it's a decade too early and I'm not ready at all. She's already got a hospice doc lined up who will 'help' her go when she wants to, she's donating her body to a medical school, and won't let us have a funeral or anything. She's making me decide this week if I want to take her dog or let her bff have him instead. I'm not really processing right now but she keeps throwing things at me. The cancer is so aggressive she is concerned she won't even really have the four months.

                      I feel like they should make you take a class on 'how to lose your parents gracefully' in college or something, since most of us have to go through it at least once if not twice. I mean, I will never use algebra and I will probably never use Chemistry 101 , but I will definitely have to watch my parents die so . . .

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                      • won't let us have a funeral or anything
                        I get not wanting a funeral with a viewing and all that kind-of horrible stuff, and before Mom died I thought I wouldnít want to have anything - I was so angry at the whole world for not visiting her enough and my asshole sibling for not helping in any single way - but I had a lunch for family a few weeks later, and I am so glad I did. Some kind of ritual is important, I think, even if itís not a ďfuneralĒ per se. it was my time to start healing. (And I invited my sister even though she ignored Mom for the last 7 years of her life because I am a way better person than she is).

                        My parents were older when they had me, so I did this before a lot of my friends. I have become the parental death expert in my friend group, which is its own weird thing. And with my distastrous sister and my emotionally stunted ex, I was alone in all of it, so I am glad she is allowing everyone to know so you donít have to carry this alone.

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                        • Vanessa, I am so sorry.

                          I lost my dad sixteen years ago (seriously FUCK CANCER) so Ophy, I totally get what you're going through, even though our situations were different. My dad wanted to fight, fight, fight. He was only 61.

                          72 is too early! My mom is 76 and I can't fathom losing her. I am so sorry. I agree with Vanessa that you can have a ritual of your own later if you feel it will help. I hope you have all the emotional support that you need. You can count the us to help with that at least. Reading Vanessa's situation made me realise how lucky I was to share that burden with my siblings. My thoughts are with you.
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                          • Thank you, guys. I know I'm joining a club that nobody wants to be in, but is full of amazingly great and supportive folks. Big big love.

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                            • Oh, o, I'm so sorry! This is tough and there's no "right" way to handle it. I'm also a part-time grief counselor among my friends, having lost my entire immediately family by the age of 37. It's tough, it shakes the foundations and having it be something that you fear could also happen to you adds a layer of shit that's hard to process.

                              And while the dying and the dead have/had their wishes, you are free to follow them as you see fit. Funerals are for the living, so do what you think is best to process your grief and bring the people who love her together in a way that helps all of you when the time is right. Getting to say goodbye is kind of nice compared to some of the other options, as sick as that sounds. It's better than prolonged illnesses and endless declines, I'll say that much.
                              Itís just really honestly so tiring and emotionally draining to have to get upset over reality constantly.

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                              • Getting to say goodbye is kind of nice compared to some of the other options, as sick as that sounds. It's better than prolonged illnesses and endless declines, I'll say that much.

                                I can totally understand what you mean.


                                It's been a long week! But everyone knows now, including my kids (they are handling it better than me, I think) which is a good thing because my mom's doc* confessed yesterday that she lied when she said my mom has 4 to 6 months. My mom probably has only MAYBE six weeks to two months left, because the cancer is just that aggressive. So it's a darn good thing I guessed and made her tell everyone else because she was originally going to wait at least three months before letting us know (if at all).

                                * we grew up together, she's been a family friend for 40 yrs and her mom is one of my mom's BFFS, but I still don't know why she didn't just tell my mom the truth?



                                If i know my mom, she's not-so-secretly glad to have had her time shortened because she's already over having all of these Big Conversations. I can't blame her for that, it's been hella exhausting. When she heard that my big brother is going to fly in next week and just stay indefinitely she said, "Good Lord, if anything that's going to make me die much quicker." but she won't let me tell him not to come. He will wear her out, though. He keeps coming up with plans to get her in on research trials and whatnot, but she's not interested in any of that. He's stuck in Bargaining, and she's already in Acceptance.

                                No funeral, I think, but the fam is going to get together for Easter and do a kind of memorial-while-she's-there-to-attend-in-person. In a weird way, I think she's lucky? She never wanted to get old. She always said she wanted to go before 80, that she never wanted to linger on and on like her parents did, and that she wanted to do it on her terms . . . and so she's getting her way, I guess.

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